Keep the spirits up...

Thx. I is having a down day today, but a gallon of green tea with lemon and yet another attempt at tranquillity via "28 day Yoga for women" ~ finding yr core strength and inner beauty one day at a time ~ or some such...~ does help. A good cry is always a solid fall back option and thats now, working like, really well for me, at least.... as does reading about marines, truck drivers and corporate motivational speakers who suffer a complete nervous collapse and find themselves at "Fight( like a girl) club". Its a broad church that takes all kinds and I guess the putative autobiography is suddenly thematically sound and internally consistent...

Working it out ~ Diary

it turns out I'm textbook transgendered.....
............

Well, I really screwed up that last communication! I think I will try again, just for the record.
Regarding the conversation, it wasn't a one on one, it was a group conversation where I was regaling you all with some story or other about my life, speaking in high self-deprecation mode, as I do.
Your question can flying in from left field and I might have made some admissions, but I have a highly developed sense of shame and an enormous prudery when it comes to sexual minorities, so I shut it down with I"M NOT GOING THERE>
But the remark stuck in my mind, not that your asking the question was especially significant, but rather that as I have had an such enormous sense of confusion about the whole issue and figured, that, on reflection, had I been gay, straight, bisexual or damn whatever, I figured it would have been more balanced and mature to be honest about it and comfortable with it, so really with the hangover came the insight as to my actual and total cluelessness about my own nature.
As I told the doctors, the insight that I had terminal lung cancer would be preferable. I've got to deal with the fact that I swapping some peace of mind and personal comfort when it comes to my sense of myself with some....social exclusion.
Guys don't talk about their feelings and don't mix it up gender wise, so I truely am a major failure as a bloke.

So sorry for dumping that on you, but alas its all true, so all I can do is thank you for being, acidentially, part of a larger theraputic process, even if the motive was typical normative verbally competitive social blokey drunken snarkyness. ......

That's all. I've got to deal with the incredible ignorance, misunderstanding and perjorative nonsense that comes with the diagnosis, but I'm going to face it and life squarely going forward.

that's all.

 Its my own personal room 101 at the awful truth dept. Deep down I know its true and always been true..mum was massively stressed carrying me, botched the later half and threw me out almost seven weeks early to boot. Textbook case, stress induced fetal testosterone resistance, emotional palette; female, sensory system; female, body plan, male with subtle indications of underdone...shit, I want my money back!!! Where do I report for recall.
So I wasn't really surprised you were relunctant to engage on it. Bloody xxxxx small l's, prudes like the rest! ;-)
Its totally cool, I wasn't in the least put out at the time.it just made me think....and considering the way I put it to you...well tawdry is popular today. lets go with that, so sorry.
I'm engaged in a massive hack, sci fi  in real time. Gulp. But, there is nothing sus or vulgar or mid life kinky and twisted about it..the theory has it I will be keeping it real and will emerge a more intergrated unit, not a parody or the punch line of a real sick joke.

The bummer is it all this crap comes in an unresealable container..

So I'll beleive the redemption shit whens I see it... but, truly, thx so much for the reply!

Diagnosis confirmed

:I saw xxxx (again!) this morning. I gave him a slightly edited and spelling corrected (btw, its amazing how spelling words correctly, ergo,Hippocratic and facilitate; especially when combined with a pointed turn of phase, eg"gratuitously pathologising the transgendered" adds to ones credibility, hey) version of my update to you, which he appreciated. I guess it saved time with dead ends; we covered lots of ground.

Having a cute haircut, subtle but gasp, yes, painted nails and looking stylishly sharp in tastefull androgynous casual (well faded denim stove pipe hipsters, black shoes, tight long sleeved navy rashi offset with real (balinese/nepali/tibetan) silver bangles all toned down with da chinese"only on weekends am I a S&M punk" two tone black overzipped cloth jacket also seemed to have the desired effect; blew me right past the sargasso sea of "doomed to float here forever with the other gender wrecks" into the strong southwest winds of "there is nothing that much wrong", "hey, we understand each other, yes, imo,you have got it right, and btw, here is your referral to chemical engineering" Humbolt current."

So I havent changed my mind, no...

That is all. there is a lesson here.....yr got to be true to yourself...

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile. 

Plato